The Whole Wide World

I couldn’t decide if I was going to post this, but you are reading it so I did. Part of me thinks it’s gross to air my dirty laundry here, but there is a louder voice that tells me the only way to live is honestly and that maybe what I say will help someone else, or even me.

I drank.

All the warning signs were there and I ignored them. As I started going out more and more, all I wanted was to be carefree and tipsy like almost everyone around me. I could even hear the phrase if you hang out at the barbershop enough you’ll end up getting a haircut running through my head on more than one night out.

In the end, I told myself that I could just have one night of fun and put it in the vault, but I have too much sobriety to do that. I know that will only make it worse for me, keeping it locked up. That whole, we are only as sick as our secrets has been playing on a loop. It also immediately turned from one night, to I will just dabble in it down here and then leave it all behind when I leave the ice. I drank at the midwinter party on Saturday. Then again on Sunday…and again on Wednesday and Thursday.

Today is day one.

I have so much sadness. September would have been six years, but I am starting over again. The denial was ripe this past week. Hindsight is such a bitch. All I want is to go back and undo it all. I’m embarrassed. Ashamed. I’m angry. I’m so disappointed. I feel like I have let a lot of people, myself included, down and that weighs heavy. I am so incredibly sad.