The Whole Wide World

If you know me in the real life, not just the internet one, you know that for me to go to the doc, I’m hurting. Even for me to take ibuprofen, I’m hurting. And for me to go to the doc a mere twenty-four hours after the pain became that level, I is hurting mucho. Yesterday was bad, the night had me tossing and turning unable to get comfortable and then this morning I decided to try stretching on the floor and found that on my back on the floor was the most comfortable, uncomfortable I could find. So I fell asleep on my back, on the floor, with my legs bent in the air. I actually couldn’t believe I slept in the position I was in, but I did.

I went into work a bit late as a result of the sleepless night and sleepish morning. Before heading to lunch, I called over to our medical center and asked if I could stop in once the store closed at 2PM. Doc said no problemo. When I got there and we got through the normal vitals and stuff, he asked what brought me in and I described my new back and hip ailment. After pointing to exactly where the pain was constant and stemming from, he immediately told me it was my sacroiliac joint and that everything I was describing was textbook sacroiliitis. He gave me a round of prednisone, flexeril and the strong dose ibrupofen along with a heating pad.

At 3PMish, I took a dose of everything, since the store doesn’t open back up on Mondays. Within the hour I was fast asleep on the floor of my room. I woke up in time to catch the end of dinner and I ate more than I have eaten in one sitting in ages. I messaged my bestie, Francesca, after I got back from the doc, filling her in on everything and this evening she reached out asking me if the steroids had me eating everything in sight yet. Too funny. Yes indeedy, I have the hunger. My back is already feeling better than earlier today, I’m still in constant discomfort, but it is no longer the unbearable kind.

It never ceases to amaze me how much I take feeling good for granted. It is not until I am in pain or feeling unwell, that I fully appreciate how good it feels to be right as rain. On a similar note, this evening I found the kind of gratitude that brings tears. Happy tears. I found myself feeling grateful for the emotional pain and suffering I’ve gone through these past few weeks. I can see now that the suffering I have put myself through is the result of an attachment, or two. I’ve said more than once lately that I want to feel free on the inside and I was gripping that. I got greedy and I tried taking a shortcut rather than doing the work.

I don’t want to get quote heavy, but Ram Dass speaks on this so eloquently that I can’t help but put some of that here. I watched a movie this evening that I picked randomly, but that after watching, I realized I didn’t choose it at all, the Universe did. It was the 2019 documentary on Ram Dass called ‘Becoming Nobody’.

Suffering is grace, a gift given in order to awaken you. Once you want to awaken, then the meaning of suffering changes. You don’t court it, but when it comes down the pike, you work with it, because you see that it’s a valuable vehicle. The only reason you suffer is because of the clinging of your mind. For example, if you suffer because you’re dying, it’s because you cling to life. If you suffer because you’re growing old, it’s because you cling to youth. If you suffer because you don’t have something, it’s because you cling to a model of having it. Expectations create suffering. Once you understand that, every time you suffer, you look to see where you’re clinging, which expectation you’re holding onto.

I’m ready to let go now.