The Whole Wide World

The first thing I thought when I woke up today was, ew, you’ve got to take down yesterday’s entry. Being Saturday, I had to make a move and get to my coffee shift, so I left the thought hanging out in bed as I bundled up to head to Southern (the coffee house). Coffee is almost always busy from the get-go, so it wasn’t until afterwards as I was putting in steps on the elliptical over at the Gerbil Gym that the cringe feeling of needing to take down the entry popped back up. Why was I feeling so much cringe? Most likely suspect: fear of judgement. This isn’t a blog about what it’s like to live in Antarctica. No doubt, I share what it is like to live here, but this is not meant as a resource for preparing to come down to the ice life.

This is a journal. What will eventually be, one-hundred ice brain entries while experiencing an Antarctic winter. Putting myself, my thoughts and feelings out there for not just strangers, but also my family, friends and peers. It’s vulnerable and that is uncomfortable. It even feels icky writing about feeling icky. The antagonist is right there in the thick of it asking why I think anyone reads or cares what is written, always telling me to stop waffling on about my thoughts. Hush.

That fear of judgement runs rampant in my head. I’ve noticed it so much down here. It started in New Zealand, when I met the first members of my new community, who were also headed down for a season on the ice. I was older than many, if not all of them. Once I got down here, I found that there is a wide age range of McMurdans, but that feeling of wanting to fit in, to be a part of, remained. As will yesterday’s words. It’s okay to be uncomfortable.